rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
