these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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