At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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