I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
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