I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
