i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Randomize
