my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
