she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
