Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
