Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
