I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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