i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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