What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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