She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
