and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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