My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
