Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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