So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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