Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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