I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
