3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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