listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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