when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
