WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
