this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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