just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
