6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
