WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
