Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
