May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
