Pappa wants mamma naked
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
