His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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