K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I think I won the penis lottery.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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