If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
