I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
