my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
