Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
