i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
