i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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