Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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