grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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