trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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