I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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