also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
