I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
