Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
