Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
