I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My ATM looks so different sober.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just want nice things and good sex
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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