Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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