Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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