I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
